Get a life

While 2013 has been very good to us, it has also been kind of rough.  I am excited to move forward into the new year with a fresh start, and to continue to build on our many blessings.

We have this habit in our house of taking stock around this time of year.  There are some really great tools to provide guidance in reflection.  Tim Elmore offers insight into his year end tradition.  My friend Lori just posted about her year in review. My all-time favorite is blogger Susannah Conway's Unravelling the Year Ahead workbook.

I am feeling especially reflective because of a comment made on one of my husband's Facebook status updates.  As many of you know, one of the blessings this year was the launch of my husband's handpainted sign and repurposed furniture business.  It's a little part-time gig that has really grown into a great way for him to be creative and to connect with other people.  His work is a little part of him and he invests hours and hours working on designs, building, creating, fussing over details...you get the idea.

So, the comment was,

I like seeing your work but every time I do, i think, you need to get a life. : )

There are a couple of things about this statement.  First, when you say something snarky and put a smiley face behind it, it is still snark.  Second, what if this is his/our life?  What if this is something really important and meaningful?

When we encounter lessons like this in our life, we usually find a way to make them humorous.  "Get a life" has become a rally cry, a sort of inside joke that we toss out in conversation.

I feel a little vindicated after reading a post shared by my friend Ben.  The author has some really simple goals for 2014 - do things and make things. I love it!  Here's hoping that we all get to  Do Things and Make Things Next Year!  And, in the process, we just might get a life.

"Always Go To The Funeral"

A friend posted this beautiful essay by Deirdre Sullivan, Always Go To The Funeral.  The essay was part of NPR's This I Believe series.

Sullivan's words rang true for me.  Over the years, I have adopted the idea that you go to the funeral or the visitation, even if it is a hard thing.  This has been a deliberate decision because I have friends and family who stand squarely on both sides of the issue - to attend or not. The reasons behind their decision make sense - it can be an inconvenience and an emotional event that is hard to manage and you can always just send a card.  At the same time, it can mean so much to the family to see people show up...just to show up and be there in the space, to provide solace and to stand together.  Even if you don't know what to say, I have found that "I am so sorry for your loss," may be all that is necessary.

How do I draw the courage or overcome the inconvenience?  I say to myself before and after, "This is a hard thing.  We do hard things."  One of my favorite authors Anne Lamott in her book, Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers talks about doing hard things.  She reminds us about hard things like picking up the "two-hundred-pound phone" to call a difficult family member to ask after them, even if they are long-winded and have some quirkiness.  We all have those refreshingly odd, or annoying, or simply crazy relatives who need our love and attention.  In Sullivan's words, "the small gesture that you don't really have to and definitely don't want to" make.


In her essay, Sullivan recalls as a young woman attending "calling hours" for a former teacher.  It made me think back to attending the first funeral I can remember.  I must have been three or four years old and my grandparents were watching me during the week.  My mom was perplexed.  My grandma had an appointment and my grandpa was planning to attend a funeral and he said he would take me along.  My mom wasn't sure.  She didn't want me to be traumatized.  My grandpa negotiated - we would arrive late and sit in the back and he was sure it was a closed casket.  I listened while the adults talked through the situation and I was fascinated - this must be a big deal given all of the discussion.  I felt special that I was going to get to go. My grandpa asked me if I thought it was ok to attend.  I responded in the most inappropriate way, "Yeah, it will be fun!"  My grandpa couldn't help but smile and then he gently explained that it wouldn't be fun, but rather sad and he made sure I understood.  I remember getting dressed up and singing along with hymns while we stood at the back of the church because we arrived late enough for the casket to be at the front of the church.  Standing room only - the sign of a good funeral.

As my grandpa grew older, he continued to go to funerals.  He would sometimes confide that the crowd was getting smaller at each funeral because all of his friends were passing away.  He was outliving them.  Still, until his own funeral, and the short time before when he was unable to leave the house, he went to the funeral.

Sullivan's essay reminds us to "always go to the funeral" for the family and to also use this practice as a guide for life.  She says,

"Always go to the funeral" means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex's uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.

In going to funerals, I've come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life's inevitable, occasional calamity.

On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I've ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.

I am being challenged to do the hard thing in a couple of other areas of my life - to show up when I would really rather not.  For several weeks, I have been trying to justify and find a way to feel ok about not showing up when I know it is going to be inconvenient and uncomfortable to be in the space.  This essay came along at the right time to remind me to do good instead of nothing.

Word for 2013

I mentioned in an earlier post that there is some buzz about selecting a word for the new year.  This practice is designed to focus your efforts - to make you intentional around your goals and resolutions.  I shared a great resource from Susannah Conway that helps you identify your word and truly she helps you review the hits and misses from the previous year and refine your vision for the new year.

After spending a lot of time reflecting and reading, I settled on Thanks.  I like this word because it reminds me to be grateful, and heaven knows that I have a lot to be grateful for.  Also, sometimes when I feel stuck, it helps to say, "Thanks."  In a awkward or difficult situation, say, "Thanks." Who will argue with you if you are saying, "Thanks."   I just need to say, "Thanks." more.  I also have two ideas about how to pursue my goal.

1.  I am writing one note a week to a friend or mentor who has helped me.  By January 2014, I will have sent 52 notes to people who are superstars to me and my plan is to thank them specifically and clearly for how they have helped me.

2.  I am completing one act of kindness per week.  By January 2014, I will have completed 52 acts of kindness - random or carefully planned, for strangers or those closest to me.  I think acts of kindness are another way to say, "Thanks."

I am convinced that "Thanks." leads to "Wow."  If you don't believe me, read Help. Thanks. Wow. by Anne Lamott.  And, truthfully, we could all use a little more appreciation and a little more "Wow." in our lives.

If you are working on your plans for the new year, I recommend two blog posts from Tim Elmore.  One post offers ideas about how to review the previous year while the other focuses on planning for the new year.

And, if you need some inspiration, read my friend's blog about how she lost 35 pounds through intentional living. So proud of her!

My husband is a basketball coach...

My husband is a basketball coach and I should be a comedian because his life is a wealth of material.  I could have set after set of funny, funny stuff.  This week has been especially rich.

This week included two away games.  On Thursday, the girls would have their toughest match of the season.  My husband was geared up for victory and he had a plan to change up his team's pre-game routine to better focus the girls.

He was planning very little warm-up time on the floor in pre-game and he had an inspiring locker room speech prepared.  He had six main points: sureness, attitude, aggressive, passion, hustle, and (...wait for it...).  He tells me that he is giving the locker room speech of his life, and he is nearing the final point - play with heart.  There isn't a large marker board in the locker room, so he is using his small marker board that he keeps on the bench.  He is ready to reveal the last point.  He draws a beautiful heart and colors it in with purple marker.  He turns the board around and says, "What does this mean to you?"  One of his players says, "You love us!?!"

My husband says in an exasperated voice, "...I do, but...that's not what I meant. I want you to play with heart!"

The girls are ready to break their huddle and storm the court for the orchestrated two minutes of warm-up.  They circle up and three girls say that they need to use the bathroom.  They wait for everyone who has to go and then they finally break the huddle and make it to the court for around a minute of lay-ups.  The best of plans...

The first half was phenomenal...first quarter score, 5-2 (us) and end of second quarter, 5-5.  They were feeling good and playing the best game of the season.  The second half was a whole other story..final score, 30-7.  Sigh.

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Earlier in the night, a student who was injured, and told by her doctor not to play, decided that she wanted to play.  My husband said that he couldn't let her play unless her mom cleared her from the injured reserved list.    She called her mom on her iPhone and handed it over to my husband.  He put the phone to his ear and thought it sounded like the mom was on speaker phone.  They have the conversation and he hands the phone  back to his player to see that he was actually video chatting via Facetime with the mom.  Or, I should say, she was Facetiming his ear!

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One player asked him if she should wear her glasses during the game. He asked her if she needed them to see and she said, "Yes." Yet, she decided to not wear them. Her first two shots were about four feet short of the basket. He told her that she needed to pretend she was shooting from the three-point line.

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He has a player who is kind of petite and she is SUPER nice.  My husband had everyone in the huddle and he asked her, "Do you ever get mad or angry?"  She says, "No" in a little voice.  He tells her, "I need you to get mad, to get mean!"  She responds by putting her had up in a cat gesture and saying, "Rawr!"  The huddle busts up with laughter and then she does it again, "Rawr!  Rawr!"  The good news is that they win the game in over time - first victory of the year for this team!

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Before the game, my husband met with the officials.  The crew was an experience official and a young guy who shared it was the very first game he was officiating.  My husband decides to joke around and say, "It's my first game, too."  At the pre-game meeting, the young official brings the team captains and coaches together.  My husband's assistant stood in for him.  The young official takes the lead in the pre-game rules discussion and begins his speech by saying, "So, I hear that it's somebody's first game."  Everyone just looked back at him and it was completely silent.  He was referring to my husband who was definitely not coaching his first game.

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Then, tonight, there was a mix up with the bus shuttles.  My husband and I ended up driving two players to meet their parents because there was no bus available.  On the drive, we were talking about their Thanksgiving plans and what they had studied at school.  One of the girls started talking about her genetics assignment in science.  This part of the conversation started when she said, "Well, today, I found out that I had a girl."  We held back laughs and asked a few questions about the assignment.  She started telling us the characteristics of her theoretical baby based on the genetic probability and flipping a coin to determine traits.  She meant to say that her theoretical baby had a cow lick, but she ended up saying something totally not appropriate and we aren't even sure she knew what it meant.  We both showed a great deal of restraint and tried to change the subject.  When both girls were out of the car, we died laughing all the way home.