"Always Go To The Funeral"

A friend posted this beautiful essay by Deirdre Sullivan, Always Go To The Funeral.  The essay was part of NPR's This I Believe series.

Sullivan's words rang true for me.  Over the years, I have adopted the idea that you go to the funeral or the visitation, even if it is a hard thing.  This has been a deliberate decision because I have friends and family who stand squarely on both sides of the issue - to attend or not. The reasons behind their decision make sense - it can be an inconvenience and an emotional event that is hard to manage and you can always just send a card.  At the same time, it can mean so much to the family to see people show up...just to show up and be there in the space, to provide solace and to stand together.  Even if you don't know what to say, I have found that "I am so sorry for your loss," may be all that is necessary.

How do I draw the courage or overcome the inconvenience?  I say to myself before and after, "This is a hard thing.  We do hard things."  One of my favorite authors Anne Lamott in her book, Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers talks about doing hard things.  She reminds us about hard things like picking up the "two-hundred-pound phone" to call a difficult family member to ask after them, even if they are long-winded and have some quirkiness.  We all have those refreshingly odd, or annoying, or simply crazy relatives who need our love and attention.  In Sullivan's words, "the small gesture that you don't really have to and definitely don't want to" make.


In her essay, Sullivan recalls as a young woman attending "calling hours" for a former teacher.  It made me think back to attending the first funeral I can remember.  I must have been three or four years old and my grandparents were watching me during the week.  My mom was perplexed.  My grandma had an appointment and my grandpa was planning to attend a funeral and he said he would take me along.  My mom wasn't sure.  She didn't want me to be traumatized.  My grandpa negotiated - we would arrive late and sit in the back and he was sure it was a closed casket.  I listened while the adults talked through the situation and I was fascinated - this must be a big deal given all of the discussion.  I felt special that I was going to get to go. My grandpa asked me if I thought it was ok to attend.  I responded in the most inappropriate way, "Yeah, it will be fun!"  My grandpa couldn't help but smile and then he gently explained that it wouldn't be fun, but rather sad and he made sure I understood.  I remember getting dressed up and singing along with hymns while we stood at the back of the church because we arrived late enough for the casket to be at the front of the church.  Standing room only - the sign of a good funeral.

As my grandpa grew older, he continued to go to funerals.  He would sometimes confide that the crowd was getting smaller at each funeral because all of his friends were passing away.  He was outliving them.  Still, until his own funeral, and the short time before when he was unable to leave the house, he went to the funeral.

Sullivan's essay reminds us to "always go to the funeral" for the family and to also use this practice as a guide for life.  She says,

"Always go to the funeral" means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex's uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.

In going to funerals, I've come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life's inevitable, occasional calamity.

On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I've ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.

I am being challenged to do the hard thing in a couple of other areas of my life - to show up when I would really rather not.  For several weeks, I have been trying to justify and find a way to feel ok about not showing up when I know it is going to be inconvenient and uncomfortable to be in the space.  This essay came along at the right time to remind me to do good instead of nothing.

Author crush

I am currently experiencing a mad author crush on Shauna Niequist.  After reading her book, Bread & Wine: A love letter to life around the table with recipes, I have proceeded to follow her on every available social media option, put her blog on my blog roll, and try some of the recipes in her book.

Her writing spoke to me in so many ways.  Her stories of friends, family, love, loss, disappointment, food, entertaining, health, running, Chicago, and marriage were in line with where I am in my life right now at this very moment.  Her style is really accessible - both in writing and living.  I love reading work that is lovely and filled with beautiful words and at the same time is straight forward, with no pretense or effort to try to be too fancy.  Her writing is smart and honest.  I love her.  I want to be her friend.  Yeah, I know, I am crushing hard.

I have made her breakfast quinoa and have a number of others on my list for this weekend - gaia cookies, Nigella's flourless chocolate brownies, mini mac and cheese, breakfast cookies, and more.  Ok, maybe I won't make all of these this weekend, but I may get to one or two.

Great book: Mary Coin

I just finished an excellent book, Mary Coin.  This work of fiction by Marisa Silver is based on the subject of the famous Migrant Mother photograph from the Depression by Dorthea Lange.

The story weaves together the lives of these two women - Mary Coin based on the life of Florence Owens Thompson and Vera Dare based on the life of Lange.  You also meet Walker and his significance is revealed as the story unfolds.

The book was heartbreaking at times and rich with beautiful language.  It was a story of love, loss, art, hard times, family, and finding answers.

Mama Rita's - a rural Kansas find

Saturday was a bit of a whirlwind.  Both my husband and I had a long list of things we wanted to accomplish and we had had a busy and stressful week, so we were a little irritable.  We took off early in the morning to make a few stops on our way to watch my niece play basketball.  My brother is the coach of her team, my dad the scorekeeper and my mom is the number one fan.  We knew that we could see most of my family with one stop.

My niece's game happened to be in Osage City.  My family has a long history in this town.  My mom grew up here and my dad worked in the community for many, many years.  As a kid, my brother and I would spend time with our grandparents over the summer months.  Trips to the swimming pool on hot summer days and to the drug store for cherry phosphates were something I always enjoyed.

Even with all of this history, it is a rare occasion that I actually make it to Osage.  But, Saturday was the chance to reminisce and discover some new finds.

Market Street is the main street in town and there are some cute little places to eat and shop.  My new find is Mama Rita's.  The family that owns and operates the restaurant know my parents and have been in the community for generations.  After the game, my mom, my husband and I went to grab a bite to eat.

We had a great meal - homemade tortillas, generous portions, and great flavors.  The menu was really extensive and many of the dishes are named after the owners' family members.  The prices were phenominal! 

I also loved some of the decor, including the Day of the Dead table covering (shown above) and the lovely historic building.

Check out the pressed tin ceiling and the really cool wall color.

 While it has been ages since I have seen anyone from Mama Rita's family, I was recognized as my parent's daughter right away.  It feels really good to go "home" and to have such a warm reception.  Small town Kansas is the best.

Celebrating life and family

Today was the funeral for my husband's grandmother.  It was a beautiful service that honored her commitment and love for her family.  Her legacy includes many children, grandchildren, and even great grandchildren, plus a lot of friends.

One of the wonderful and very strange aspects of family funerals is the combination of emotions - grief and sadness alongside the laughter and fun of gathering with family.

A particularly funny moment was when my husband remarked on a photo of his grandparents.  His grandfather was wearing a powder blue suit and my husband said he wanted one.  His uncle said, "That is a leisure suit and they were really comfortable, but they went out with disco."

A perfect Saturday...basketball, junking and chocolate!

 We enjoyed a beautiful Saturday.  The weather was gorgeous - around 60 degrees in January in Kansas.  We had a great day planned - watching basketball games for two of our nieces, shopping for unique finds and chocolate, and hanging out with family.  And, to top it off, it was the start of a three day weekend.

The basketball games were great.  Both of my nieces' teams came  up short in terms of a win, but both girls played hard and we really enjoyed watching them play.

My oldest niece played in the same auditorium where I played my high school league tournaments.  Being back in that place and watching basketball made me feel really nostalgic.  And, apparently, protective of my niece.  Her assistant coach should never yell that she needs more out of her when she is playing her butt off.  I may or may not have yelled back at her, "What did you say?"

After the first game, we had a short break before my other niece's game and we decided to take in some stores downtown.  My husband earned the eagle eyes award for the day by spotting a cute little store on the corner.  He insisted that it looked like a place I would like, so we found a parking spot and walked back up the block.  He was right!

Studio 11 is everything they promise on their website - they "make junk look good," offer a wide variety of "funky, junky, recycled, and handmade things", a great atmosphere (the historic building is awesome!), and friendly customer service.

The sign in front of the store promises Pinterest classes.  Doesn't that sound like fun?! You can follow all of their boards on Pinterest.

Their door has a sign that says, "Push it, push it real good."   I always laugh when I see that on a shop door.  This sign was indication that I would like the vibe. 

Our finds included these two awesome bowling pins.  They are lovely with chippy paint and great color.  We had always looked at vintage bowling pins and finally made the purchase.  I also grabbed some of their 'keep it junky' stickers to share with friends who are just as crazy about vintage and handmade.

Our other find was these great pendants.  One side says, "Vision is the art of seeing things invisible."

And, the back is this beautiful floral.

This one says, "starlet."

And, the other side has a cute little bird.  This color of blue is one of my favorites.

We bought one for my mom, too.  Hers says, "Gram."  The staff was really great about shortening a chain to just the right length for my mom.

It is safe to say that if Emporia was a little closer, I would be spending a lot of time and money at Studio 11.

Our next stop was the Sweet Granada.  I have blogged about this great store before from quick stops this fall and last fall.

 Even though the day was unseasonably warm, the sign in the front window promised that some chocolate would chase away winter blues.

And, this stuff does the trick!  The Pop Choc is delicious and the perfect balance of sweet and salty.  We also bought a selection of other items from the case and some of their homemade fudge.

 My husband was a good sport to go shopping.  I think the chocolate helped. 

 And, my mom was a good sport to pose in a picture with me, even though she didn't want to be in front of the camera.

We had an awesome day.  We even made it home in time to knock out some of our backlog of outside chores that we save for warm weather.

Canning tomatoes

Canning merges several of my loves.  My plant geek, garden loving fool gets very excited to see our work result in delicious food.  My foodie/cooking fanatic side loves the challenge of finding new recipes and perfecting the process.  Our canning and preserving efforts are a family affair with me learning at the elbow of my mom.  And, I know that by gardening, canning and learning from my mom, I am honoring a long legacy of women in my family who have participated in these same activities.

I will forever savor hearing the "POP" of a jar sealing as it rests on the counter, fresh from the canner.  And, for as long as I can remember, my mom and I count them together as they sound off during the sealing process.

This season has been productive so far.  We have several quarts and pints of pasta and pizza sauces and a spicy tomato sauce that is something new for us this year.

We have likely reached the last of our big batches of tomatoes for the season.  The tomato plants are looking really sad with the heat and lack of rain.  I am holding out hope that we will get some moisture and they will rally for a late summer crop.

My more realistic thought is that I will start to scout the local farmer's markets for some tomatoes. At Saturday morning's market, there were a couple of vendors with canning specials on tomatoes, so I will have to do some more investigating.

One of the fun things about canning is that it turns your kitchen upside down.  I would give my kitchen high marks for cleanliness, but the clutter is laughable.  There is never enough counter space and you have to have enough supplies on hand which means jars, lids, rings, bowls, pots, and other canning tools everywhere.  The process is like musical chairs - moving and stacking, moving and stacking.  Last week I went through all of the supplies and tried to consolidate.  Now, I have neatly organized piles and stacks.

Still, I love this season.  One of my favorite ways to relax is to peal a pile of tomatoes and work them into a counter full of beautifully preserved food.

Farm visit

We love to have people visit us - especially kiddo's. Our niece was here with Jeremy's family a couple of weekends ago for family pictures and to celebrate his parent's wedding anniversary. We always include time with the animals for the niece.

Even when it is cold, she bundles up to help with chores. Even when it is early and everyone needs to get on the road, she bundles up and rolls out of bed early to help with chores. We need her around more often.

She got to feed the chickens and gather eggs.

She fed and walked Blue - our ambassador alpaca. He is so calm and very happy for a chance to roam around the yard.

Then, chore time shifted to games in the yard. A serious game of modified tennis took up most of the evening. (If I haven't told you before, I love that hill behind our house. This picture is an example of our beautiful and serene our backyard view.)

And, the keep-away game with the cowboy hat rounded out the games. I think my husband thought it matched his shorts - and the silver, sparkle fringe was pretty cool.