"Always Go To The Funeral"

A friend posted this beautiful essay by Deirdre Sullivan, Always Go To The Funeral.  The essay was part of NPR's This I Believe series.

Sullivan's words rang true for me.  Over the years, I have adopted the idea that you go to the funeral or the visitation, even if it is a hard thing.  This has been a deliberate decision because I have friends and family who stand squarely on both sides of the issue - to attend or not. The reasons behind their decision make sense - it can be an inconvenience and an emotional event that is hard to manage and you can always just send a card.  At the same time, it can mean so much to the family to see people show up...just to show up and be there in the space, to provide solace and to stand together.  Even if you don't know what to say, I have found that "I am so sorry for your loss," may be all that is necessary.

How do I draw the courage or overcome the inconvenience?  I say to myself before and after, "This is a hard thing.  We do hard things."  One of my favorite authors Anne Lamott in her book, Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers talks about doing hard things.  She reminds us about hard things like picking up the "two-hundred-pound phone" to call a difficult family member to ask after them, even if they are long-winded and have some quirkiness.  We all have those refreshingly odd, or annoying, or simply crazy relatives who need our love and attention.  In Sullivan's words, "the small gesture that you don't really have to and definitely don't want to" make.


In her essay, Sullivan recalls as a young woman attending "calling hours" for a former teacher.  It made me think back to attending the first funeral I can remember.  I must have been three or four years old and my grandparents were watching me during the week.  My mom was perplexed.  My grandma had an appointment and my grandpa was planning to attend a funeral and he said he would take me along.  My mom wasn't sure.  She didn't want me to be traumatized.  My grandpa negotiated - we would arrive late and sit in the back and he was sure it was a closed casket.  I listened while the adults talked through the situation and I was fascinated - this must be a big deal given all of the discussion.  I felt special that I was going to get to go. My grandpa asked me if I thought it was ok to attend.  I responded in the most inappropriate way, "Yeah, it will be fun!"  My grandpa couldn't help but smile and then he gently explained that it wouldn't be fun, but rather sad and he made sure I understood.  I remember getting dressed up and singing along with hymns while we stood at the back of the church because we arrived late enough for the casket to be at the front of the church.  Standing room only - the sign of a good funeral.

As my grandpa grew older, he continued to go to funerals.  He would sometimes confide that the crowd was getting smaller at each funeral because all of his friends were passing away.  He was outliving them.  Still, until his own funeral, and the short time before when he was unable to leave the house, he went to the funeral.

Sullivan's essay reminds us to "always go to the funeral" for the family and to also use this practice as a guide for life.  She says,

"Always go to the funeral" means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don't feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don't really have to and I definitely don't want to. I'm talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex's uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing.

In going to funerals, I've come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life's inevitable, occasional calamity.

On a cold April night three years ago, my father died a quiet death from cancer. His funeral was on a Wednesday, middle of the workweek. I had been numb for days when, for some reason, during the funeral, I turned and looked back at the folks in the church. The memory of it still takes my breath away. The most human, powerful and humbling thing I've ever seen was a church at 3:00 on a Wednesday full of inconvenienced people who believe in going to the funeral.

I am being challenged to do the hard thing in a couple of other areas of my life - to show up when I would really rather not.  For several weeks, I have been trying to justify and find a way to feel ok about not showing up when I know it is going to be inconvenient and uncomfortable to be in the space.  This essay came along at the right time to remind me to do good instead of nothing.

Author crush

I am currently experiencing a mad author crush on Shauna Niequist.  After reading her book, Bread & Wine: A love letter to life around the table with recipes, I have proceeded to follow her on every available social media option, put her blog on my blog roll, and try some of the recipes in her book.

Her writing spoke to me in so many ways.  Her stories of friends, family, love, loss, disappointment, food, entertaining, health, running, Chicago, and marriage were in line with where I am in my life right now at this very moment.  Her style is really accessible - both in writing and living.  I love reading work that is lovely and filled with beautiful words and at the same time is straight forward, with no pretense or effort to try to be too fancy.  Her writing is smart and honest.  I love her.  I want to be her friend.  Yeah, I know, I am crushing hard.

I have made her breakfast quinoa and have a number of others on my list for this weekend - gaia cookies, Nigella's flourless chocolate brownies, mini mac and cheese, breakfast cookies, and more.  Ok, maybe I won't make all of these this weekend, but I may get to one or two.

Great book: Mary Coin

I just finished an excellent book, Mary Coin.  This work of fiction by Marisa Silver is based on the subject of the famous Migrant Mother photograph from the Depression by Dorthea Lange.

The story weaves together the lives of these two women - Mary Coin based on the life of Florence Owens Thompson and Vera Dare based on the life of Lange.  You also meet Walker and his significance is revealed as the story unfolds.

The book was heartbreaking at times and rich with beautiful language.  It was a story of love, loss, art, hard times, family, and finding answers.

Brilliant marketing - To Sell Is Human

 Shortly before the holidays, I learned that there was a new book by Daniel Pink that was soon to be released.  The book, To Sell Is Human: The Surprising Truth About Moving Others, was available for pre-order and the author was offering some really cool incentives.

Get this...and, it is brilliant!

If you e-mailed proof of pre-ordering the book, you were promised access to online resources, a New Years Day webinar, and a packet in the mail.  It was a booked I planned to buy anyway, but we all know how it goes.  You save a list of books to buy and may or may not get around to ordering them.

What a brilliant marketing strategy to move people to action!

The online resources and webinar were cool.  The webinar even left me with more books on my list of books I want to read.  And then, the packet arrived.

Cool brown envelope with great branding...author signed bookplate...and my new favorite thing - Field Notes!

Reasons why I love Field Notes:

1.  Writing on graph paper makes me feel smart.  I really like to take notes on graph paper and I picked this up from a friend who often records her notes on this medium.

2.  The text and graphics on the cover - cool and funny!  On the inside, bottom left page:  "In the event of misplacement:  If found, please contact (and a place for your e-mail).  Hence, There [] is [] isn't a handsome reward waiting.

3.  On the back cover, the story hits me right in the heart!  "Inspired by the vanishing subgenre of agricultural memo books, ornate pocket ledgers, and the simple, unassuming beauty of a well-crafted grocery list, the Draplin Design Co., Portland Ore. - in conjunction with Coudal Partners, Chicago, Ill. - brings you 'Field Notes' in hopes of offering 'An honest memo book worth fillin' up with 'Good Information'."  My grandparents always had the free memo books from the coop and seed companies in their pockets and purses and on their dashboards.  These memo books kept everything from tag numbers of cows who had calved to grocery lists and a lot of reminders.  The memo books even kept restless grandkids entertained during church and in waiting rooms.  I remember these books fondly.

4.  The list of practical applications makes me laugh out loud.  Some of my favorites.  03. Inspired Ramblings, 05. Shoddy Sketches, 06. Half-Ass Calculations, 15. Hate Mail, 17. Escape Routes, 24. Treasure Maps, 29. Tall Orders

You can order them, three for $9.95.

Great read on faith

I really love a good book.  And, I know it is a good book when it makes me laugh and cry and nod my head in agreement.  I also know it is a good book when I make my husband listen to me read aloud sections.  If it is especially good, I get his attention, hand over the book and tell him where to begin reading because I am too choked up to read it aloud.

While reading Help. Thanks. Wow., I experienced all of the above.  I even told my husband, "I am going to make you love this writer."  It must have worked because he read the book as soon as I was finished.

Anne Lamott has been a favorite author of mine since I read Bird by Bird and Traveling Mercies when I was in college.  These two books were life changing for me.  I shared them with a friend and they have yet to be returned, so I guess she feels the same way.  (By the way, if you are reading this and you are THAT friend, no hard feelings.  Just return the books.  No questions asked.  Or, keep them.  They really are that good.)

So, the book.  Help. Thanks. Wow. outlines three prayers that are the cornerstone of all prayer.  Regardless of your version of God or your relationship with God or membership with a church (or not) or belief system of any form or fashion, these three prayers cover it all.  When I think about it, every prayer I have ever prayed is indeed some more complicated version of one of these three words.

I love reading perspectives from a person who has faith, but recognizes that there is no certainty. There is a warmth and realness in the writing.  As you read, you feel comfort in knowing that someone else wrestles with the same challenges, joys and frustrations of life and faith.

If there ever was a famous person that I wished to be my friend, or cool aunt, or second mom, it's Anne Lamott.

At the beginning of the year, this was the perfect compliment to my planning and reflection.  It provided great inspiration for the coming year.

Cookbooks...I can't resist

 So, I broke a promise to myself.  I vowed to buy no more cookbooks, ever!  I have stacks and stacks - some I purchased myself and others gifted to me.

I love to read cookbooks and think about making great recipes.  The reality is that if there are more than 10 ingredients, I lose interest.  Most cookbooks are beautiful to look at (and I do adore beautiful food photography), but not practical.  I make one or two recipes and the books just sit.

Plus, with the online resources and Pinterest, one can find a recipe for anything at anytime and no need to think through which book had the recipe, wrestle with the index, and search through different books until you find the recipe you need.  This all sounds practical and prudent, too practical and prudent.  There is something about holding the book in your hand and dreaming about beautiful, tasty dishes you might make.  I am especially fond of walking on the treadmill and reading cookbooks.  This practice always seems funny to me.

Well, in the span of two weeks, I bought two cookbooks.  The first is a fundraiser for a student group I advise.  My mom has always told me that the cookbooks that are a collection of favorite recipes from a women's group at church or in this case a group of college women, are the best.  Real people offering their favorite recipes (and sometimes family secret recipes), and the results are usually really good food!

I like the quotes on the section title pages and the cookbook title itself is very sweet - From Field to Fork.

If you are interested in a cookbook, let me know.  There are a few left and the money goes to a great cause - supporting collegiate aged women interested in agriculture.  Their professional development and philanthropic activities get a boost from your monetary support.

Happy cooking!

Founding Gardeners

I am waving my plant geek flag today.

Founding Gardeners: The Revolutionary Generation, Nature, and the Shaping of the American Nations by Andrea Wulf is a book that has been in my pile to read for some time.  I have been chipping away at it over the past month or so and it has been a delight.

I am a history nerd and a plant geek, so the book has a lot of appeal.  I just finished it yesterday - on Independence Day - and it was a fitting time to bring the book to a close.  The subjects of the book, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and John Adams - were our founding fathers who shaped our country in many significant ways.  I did not know they each loved agriculture nor did I recognize how their love of agriculture shaped their political decisions and vision for our country.  The whole book was fascinating.

One of my favorite parts of the book, speaking of Thomas Jefferson and John Adams:

Their time on the political stage might have been over but their passion for their country had not diminished.  For them, working the soil, experimenting with new vegetables and examining plants was a patriotic act as well as an assertion of their belief in America's future.  Planting trees, Jefferson wrote in June 1812, was a joy even when it was "for a future race."  The saplings they nurtured now would shade the next generation of Americans.  "I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past," Jefferson wrote to Adams in the summer of 1816, their friendship now well and truly recovered.  "So good night.  I will dream on."

Pioneer Woman event adventure

 My mom and I were super excited to learn that The Pioneer Woman Ree Drummond was making an appearance in Wichita, KS.

Watermark Books was providing a presentation by Ree and then a book signing.

Thank goodness for Facebook because my friend Meghan posted an update about picking up her tickets for the event.  Tickets?  We didn't know anything about tickets.

The next day, I called the store and purchased our cookbooks and requested our tickets.  Whew!  We knew that the first 500 were going to be allowed into the venue and we had no idea of our ticket number until we arrived in Wichita.

The store called twice to remind us to pick up our books and tickets because they anticipated a huge crowd.  I left work at 1 p.m. on Thursday and picked up mom and we were off!  Our goal - make it to the bookstore before 4 p.m. when they planned to move the books to the venue and then it was anyone's guess about how long we might have to wait to pick them up.

We arrived at 3:30 p.m. because we drove with purpose.  And, our ticket numbers were....in the 600's!  A very kind woman at the bookstore told us not to worry because they had more seats then they initially thought and we should get into the event.  Whew!

With books and tickets in hand, we thought it best to grab something to eat before the event.  I grabbed the GPS and searched for local restaurants.  Several usual favorites were close to the bookstore, but we were craving something more local.  The Bella Luna Cafe sounded interesting and it was really close.  Off we went.

We pulled into the parking lot and immediately was disappointed - it looked closed.  We went ahead and pulled into a stall and took a closer look.  We decided to give the door a try and it was open!  As we stepped inside, my mom gasps and whispers, "She's here!"  She is Ree Drummond!

No kidding, it was her!  She was seated at a table with Cowboy Josh and two women.  Mom and I sat down at a booth a little ways away from her table and proceeded to both freak out as casually as we could and enjoy a great meal.

After we had finished our five cheese pasta and split a great dessert, we got brave.  Ree and her group was leaving at about the same time we were ready to leave.  I thought I should just do what I would do if I was at work - step up, extend my hand and introduce myself.  Besides, she seems so kind and gracious through her blog and television appearances.  What was there to lose?

She was indeed very kind and gracious as a couple of bumbling women fawned all over her.  Mom and I said hello and wished her well at the presentation. She was very, very sweet.

When we left, we took this awkward, stalker photo from our car - proof we met her in the most amazing and unexpected way.  What a coincidence!

Our next stop was The Forum Theatre, along with hundreds of other women (and a few men.)

We ran into my friend Meghan and she helped us with a picture.

After a lot of maneuvering to accommodate everyone wanting a seat in the theatre, Ree took the stage.  Her presentation was delightful - charming, unassuming, and full of great images.

After the presentation, Ree signed thousands of books.  She didn't have a limit on the number she would sign.  What a trooper!  Remember, we had numbers 626 and 627...they were calling people in groups of 25 people.  We were going to be there for some time.

Then, the most amazing thing happened - a lady leaned over and asked about our numbers.  She handed us ticket numbers 147 and 152.  We were so thankful for her kindness!

And, the big moment.  We got to visit with Ree again and have our cookbooks signed.

What a great way to begin celebrating my mom's birthday and to have some mom and daughter time.

Favorite gift

Earlier I posted about wrapping gifts for some staff members who were leaving my office. Not wanting to spoil the surprise, I didn't talk about what was under the wrapping - as if they read my blog, but just in case.

The book is Where will you be five years from today? by Dan Zadra. It was recommended by my friend Mary, who is the queen of cool finds.

The book is boldly designed and full of great quotes and important questions. It is my favorite book for people in transition - graduating, changing jobs, questioning next moves, and more.

This is a sample of the fun and bold design with great topics to really get you thinking.

Portions of the book are in workbook format. Though it is not my style to write in books, this book and a journal would be a great combination.

Even if you are not in transition, but maybe feeling a little stuck, this book is a great choice. And, couldn't we all benefit from asking ourselves where we will be in five years? And, then the real question - so, what are you doing about it?